revelations.

so…we’ve moved onto poetry in creative writing. sigh. while i have dabbled in poetry before (see the poetry link in the menu if you are interested), i’ve never had to do it with such a focus on technique…it feels the exact same way as when i started learning guitar theory and it completely messing with my perceptions of how to do things. it made things hard initially, but in time it’s helped me a lot. i can only hope the same is true of poetic theory.

long story short, here is a poem. please criticise it to the nth degree, i really would appreciate the criticism and advice.

———-

In empty streets of every sick town,
all across the jilted nation, people
are tuned into the white noise station;
the rising catatonia, the Fear,
as it drills and peers through the front door
all lobotomy smiles and nerve gas.

Up from the gutter and high rise towers,
corruption climbs the brick walls like ivy,
when the last book, thrown out from the window
hits the floor and cracks in two, exploding,
and sends sparks in every direction.

Down shaded alleys at the red sky dusk,
where lies the blood grafitti of Ginsberg,
a kid first sees the confusion of truth,
with the low cobweb roof blown off his head,
opens his glazed grey eyes to the sunrise
and the poet screams out loud ‘it is done

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10 thoughts on “revelations.

  1. done,
    cool shout out…

    this is perfect poem, keep it up.

    Check out Jingle Poetry Potluck or Thursday Poets Rally via the side bar of my blog, we welcome you to become part of our growing community.
    Share your poetry, feel free to place one unique entry to Thursday Poets Rally week 38,
    And 3 old poems to Jingle Poetry Potluck Week 23…hope to see you in.
    Come on, make poetic friends, and get encouragements you deserve!
    Thanks for reading!
    Your poetry rocks!
    xoxox

  2. alex .. this is great but you know what? it could be Magnificent! i had a play with it in Word and will post what i did if you really mean it about crit/advice … i’m more used to being on actual forums where people offer edits/ideas etc .. not sure if you want that here?

    not that i’m an expert by any means, just a wordy sagittarian *heh

    i’ll pop back to see your response before launching any missiles though lol

  3. Hello Darling, how are you doing? It’s Grace here, by the way!
    Studying poetry is incredible – this is my second year of poetry now, and I flipping love it! I’ve been kind of lax while I’m working on the novel but I shall subvert a few forms soon and it’ll be fiiine!
    I have a few essays I think you’d enjoy on form in poetry, would you like me to dig them out for you?
    One is called ‘The Dark Art of Poetry’, by I think Don Patterson, but I’m not entirely sure. The others are obviously neatly organised somewhere.
    But yeah, I really like this poem. If you ever want to have an edit party, have you ever used typewithme.com? xx

  4. In empty streets in every town
    across the jilted nation, people
    tune into the white noise station
    praising catatonia, fear
    drills then peers through front doors,
    offers a lobotomy with nerve gas.

    Corruption climbs brick walls like ivy,
    winding through the gutter into high rise towers.
    One last book, thrown from the window
    hits the floor and cracks in two, exploding,
    ((and sends sparks in every direction.)) (does this line add anything? could it go?)

    In the red-sky dusk, lining shaded alleys
    the blood grafitti of Ginsberg still haunts.
    One child sees the confusion of truth, (stumbles here, but didn’t know what to do about it)
    with the low cobweb roof blown off his head, (and again here – love the image, needs more flow)
    opens glazed grey eyes to sunrise
    ((and the poet screams out loud ‘it is done‘)) (again, does this add or distract?)

    i’d keep the focus on this child and the concept of confusion making sense/truth in chaos/ that kind of thing ..

    overall it’s just a case of judicious pruning and honing, smoothing out a few glitches in logical progression and removing anything that doesn’t truly add to it …

    everything above is purely by way of suggestion, of course, take what you want or leave it, just a way of opening up alternatives is all!

    nice work btw! let your musicality guide you too!

  5. @ shell ‘and sends sparks in every direction’ i thought was just a nice image; a book as something dangerous like a grenade.

    and the final line is an allusion to revelations in the bible ‘the seventh angel poured his bowl into the air, and a voice cried out from heaven ‘it is done’…the truth being revealed to the kid. i like that.

    thanks for your criticism though…i am a total rookie when it comes to poetry so need some help 🙂

    @grace wow it has been a long time, how did you find my blog!? i will look up that book and if finances aren’t running too thin i might have a looksee 🙂 never heard of typewithme.com, what is it? you got a blog of your own yet? if not get one 😀

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